How to fill in a tournament bracket
Since I’ve been filling these NCAA brackets since before there was Yahoo and long basketball shorts, I thought I’d give you a few tips on show to be sure of having the best chance of winning your office NCAA bracket pool. While not statistically reliable, these expert helps are on the money enough that I have never finished dead last in any contest I’ve entered. So here goes.
Does the team have a great band? Southern’s is known as the Human Jukebox, so they’re a great bet. On the music theme, if they have a great fight song, choose them. Notre Dame, Michigan, Harvard (Ten Thousand Men of Harvard), Michigan St., Georgetown are safe to advance to the next round. Too bad Tennessee wasn’t in the tourney because Rocky Top is the best of all.
Since geography is my thing Northwestern St. in Louisiana is a big loser because it makes no sense. Middle Tennessee loses too because it’s pretty vague, the middle of what? Long Island U-Brooklyn is no good too because in most peoples’ minds these are separate places. Saint Louis is not a good pick because they don’t know that they should spell their name St. Louis.
Western Kentucky is no good either because their name rhymes with sucky, which is a reason why Kentucky is playing in the NIT right now.
Teams high on my misery index, in other words they’ve inflicted painful losses on my Jayhawks automatically can’t be chosen. VCU, don’t want to CU. Bucknell, yes, you’re a source of pain, UCLA, CULAter, Davidson because you almost ruined our 08 championship, not picking you. And the biggest pain on my KU sports memory is a tie between Syracuse and Arizona. The two most talented teams of Roys tenure you ruined, so I just want you gone. Plus what kind of nickname is Orange? And Crimson, Harvard? Are you really going to pick a color?
And speaking of misery index, never pick a team whose name sounds like that word, so Missouri, (who’s never made the Final Four anyways) see ya!
Cool nickname schools always go with. The Zips of Akron, the Zags of Gonzaga, well how cool would a Zips and Zags final be? The Gaels of Iona is a supercool name too as is the Aztecs of San Diego St. I know I picked against Saint Louis earlier,but you’ve got to pick them for their Billikens name.
It’s never a bad idea to go with teams named the Bears, so California, Cincinnati Bear Down! While we’re on animals, wimpy mascots can’t inspire players to greatness so Minnesota Gophers and Oregon Ducks, but Cardinals of Louisville do get my pick because the Cubs hate the Cardinals.
Colorado, Colorado St, Boise St, Montana, New Mexico, and Pacific in Oregon all don’t deserve our support because they want to lose so they can finally be free of practice and go skiing before winter ends. Florida Gulf Coast, Miami, you lose and you can go to the beach before it’s too hot, so lose now, we won’t care.
Notre Dame is not known to be a safe pick because their athletes have been known to embarrass themselves both athletically, see Jan. 9, 2013, and in their personal lives.
Religiously affiliated teams get my support especially Liberty, LaSalle, Gonzaga, Georgetown, Villanova, Temple, may the force be with you.
A religiously affiliated school that has a nickname of Blue Devils, well, come on now, who wants to cheer for the Devil?
And a religious school that shouldn’t be supported anymore is Marquette who had a great nickname, Warriors until the forces of political correctness changed it. They won this tournament as Warriors in 1977, but now the Warrior Spirit has cursed the team, so cursed teams, it’s pointless to pick them. And speaking of curses there’s the curse of Chief Illiniwek, the greatest mascot of his day. When the same politically correct forces took away his tradition laden pregame ritual dance, the Illini have never been the same, football too.
All Big Ten teams, the awesomest league in the land (and they better back it up this year!) deserve your picks to an all Big 10 final four.
So we’re left with a few unique nicknames to make the best bet on the tournament. If you fought a Badger, it would tear you up like paper in a shredder. So it’s always safe to pick a Badger.
Mythical birds can never go wrong. There’s only one mythical bird that makes the tourney every year and it’s the Kansas Jayhawk. If you favor the free states winning the Civil War, and who wouldn’t, (that’s why you should never pick Mississippi’s Rebels) then you’ll support those very American values of Truth Justice and the Jayhawk way.